Exercise is important. It becomes essential as we age and our bodies succumb to the effects of gravity and too many beers. Chins double, bellies bulge, and breasts of both sexes sag. Hairlines recede and eyesight begins to fail. An epiphany occurs when you are trying to read the instructions for a microwave burrito, and they appear to be in Sanskrit. Frustrated you hurl the offending snack food into the counter. It rebounds with surprising force, causing you to slip a disc ducking. It then ricochets into the family room where it lodges in the center of your 77 inch 4k UHD curved smart tv.
By epiphany, I mean your wife punches you in the throat and threatens to withhold dessert until Judge Judy is restored. (She gave up withholding sex years ago after your libido peaked…and plummeted.) The eyesight can be augmented, but the sagging breasts require exercise. Good old fashioned sweat until you puke and heavy lifting. Pilates ain’t gonna do it.
The deadlift is an excellent full body exercise. It is aptly named because you strain so hard the stench of premature decomposition is forced from your pores. You know you are doing it correctly if you have burst blood vessels in your eyes and neck. However, if you stroke out and die while deadlifting, the police will think you have been strangled because of the petechial hemorrhage. This is a great example of picking up heavy shit and putting it back down…the key to strength training.
As an aging human, though, your cardiovascular health is of primary importance. You can run, or you can swim to keep your heart working properly, but there is a better way. The burpee can improve cardiovascular fitness as well as increase strength. The only problem is: the suck factor of burpees is beyond the measurable threshold.
If you have never done a burpee, go here. If you have no desire to do a burpee, you are smarter than me. Now that you have the basic technique down…do about 1000 more. Do them as rapidly as you can while maintaining proper form. As you stand there gasping for breath, clutching your herniated disc, with the stench of premature decomposition filling your nostrils…don’t you feel awesome? (The answer is an enthusiastic YES!)
Burpees originated as a form of torture during the Crusades but were quickly abandoned when subjects developed muscle mass and self-confidence. When torture fell out of style, practitioners became personal trainers. They found it more satisfying to torture their clients into fitness rather than confession.
After a few weeks of performing burpees daily, you will notice that your breasts have firmed. In fact, you probably have been grabbing strangers hands and placing them on your chest while proudly saying “what do you think of that?” This has caused a few awkward situations. The packaging on frozen burritos no longer presents a barricade to sustenance. In fact, your new found health consciousness has led you to eat only fresh, organic burritos, and your once herniated disc has become magically disinherniated. (Healthy people make up words all the time.)
In conclusion, if you are no longer twenty and get winded adjusting the thermostat, you need burpees in your life. Rather than just watch them performed on YouTube, I recommend that you actually bend, squat, thrust, push-up, and jump your way to physical fitness. It’s not like you’re going to be watching television or having sex anytime soon!