How Not To Accomplish Anything Significant

Today I thought I would share a skill that I excel at. Specifically, how not to accomplish anything significant. I possess the unique ability to be able to stay ridiculously busy without really accomplishing anything of significance. Being the swell fellow that I am, I will gladly educate those of you who are efficiently finishing projects right and left in a timely manner. Just so you know, everyone hates you.

It might be a tough donut to swallow, but it is true. You cultivate ire and resentment everywhere you go, and each assignment you complete is like throwing gasoline on a raging forest fire…it doesn’t help. You aren’t benefiting yourself or others by being so prolific and energetic. Fortunately, I have 5 surefire ways to reverse your momentum and torpedo your production. You’re welcome in advance.

How not to accomplish anything significant

1. Downtime is not just desirable, it is essential to your mental health and well-being. Eliminate words such as overtime, press forward, resiliency, and dedication from your vocabulary. Adopt words and phrases such as break time, daydream, nap, and paid-time-off to use in daily affirmations and casual conversations. Aim to relax and decompress more than you work. 4 hour work week anyone?
2. Whenever you have something important to work on, don’t be afraid of distractions. Keep your phone close so you can answer texts and check Facebook notifications. I don’t know how we survived before social media and dancing goat videos. Take your work home and complete it while watching SpongeBob with your kids. If you concentrate too intently on a job, you’ll get an aneurysm or a deviated ischial tuberosity…no joke.
3. When it comes to studying or learning new material, I like to start as many books as possible. Finishing them with any semblance of understanding is like running a marathon with skis on. Throw in a few online courses, some related podcasts, and articles, and you can really burn up some time without any tangible results. It’s kind of like collecting water with a colander.
4. Rather than attack a problem logically and directly, I prefer to go at it indirectly or ignore it altogether. My wife is also very good at this. She will send me on an errand in her car when the fuel is so low there is no chance of returning home without getting gas. She has both ignored a problem and successfully attacked it indirectly. Bravo! I will be sure to leave the empty milk carton in the fridge where she can find it.

And finally

5. You don’t have to forgo entertainment in favor of pressing projects. Keep your laptop or paperwork close by when watching television. You can use the commercials to make progress, and you avoid boredom and mental fatigue by only working a few minutes at a time. Do as much of your work at home in this way as possible. Then, you can use time at the office to find dancing goats and catch up on SpongeBob. If a manager or supervisor makes an issue of how your time is spent, let them know that everyone in the office resents their productivity and hates them. Then give them the analogy about gasoline and the forest fire.

This pretty much concludes this “how not to” article that I started seven months ago. It started out as a book, but I found writing an article is much more fitting for the time between television segments. When we cut the cable and go strictly to Netflix, I will likely begin writing only motivation and educational statements or limericks. These can handily be finished during the opening or closing credits of a movie.

I am currently an advocate for the 4 hour work week but have, as yet, been unable to implement it in my current career. I have, therefore, been searching diligently for a new line of work. When coupled with my regular duties, it would seem that this additional research would add unnecessary stress and production in my life, but I assure you that I take my downtime vocabulary and implementation very seriously. I don’t want a deviated ischial tuberosity.

In lieu of a conclusion, I will end this here with a hearty fare-thee-well. My wife is sending me to the grocery store for milk…in her car. Weird.

Just because I mentioned it several times (and it’s an excellent book) here is an Amazon affiliate link for The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss.