The crazy eye. We often are more critical of ourselves and our perceived weaknesses than the people we interact with. This became really apparent to me when I discovered or was informed, that my wife had a lazy eye. Now, as far as lazy eyes go, it is very slight…so slight, in fact, that I am unable to tell which eye suffers from the lack of motivation.
She, however, is very sensitive about it or pretends to be. I derive great pleasure in harassing her about it. This may seem cruel, but I maintain that a defect that exists only in the mind is fair game. I will randomly ask her “Why is your crazy eye staring at me?” This is especially effective if she is watching tv or reading and not actually looking at me.
Crying babies and runaway dogs
If a baby cries in her presence or a dog runs away, I encourage her to cover her crazy eye with one hand and stop scaring them. I have even suggested that she obtain an eyepatch to conceal the wandering walleye. Also, I find the image of a pirate love slave extremely provocative. She has yet to appease my privateer predilection.
She retaliates by telling her mother on me. Her mother is very protective but lives 9 hours away. She will text me with a warning to stop teasing her daughter. (Probably the same rebuke was given to boys that pulled her hair on the school bus.) I reply that possibly the creeper peeper is a result of bad parenting and a privileged childhood. I then ask if she has an eyepatch.
It may seem that I am cruelly casting stones.
It may seem that I am cruelly casting stones, but I live in a glass house. I have an enormous nose that I have previously tried to conceal with glasses and facial hair. My father used to ask if the nose came off with the glasses, and my wife says that my nose is so large it often ends up in other people’s business. When she’s really fired up, she’ll tell people that I am well-endowed…but only in the nose and eyebrow department.
Always remember that your own perceived deficiencies, shortcomings, or physical defects are likely noticed by very few. Embrace yourself and the people who truly see you.